Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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