I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
