insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
