Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
