we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
