too bad you live with your parents still
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
