He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
