I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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