I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
