Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will pee on everything he values.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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