Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
