how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
