mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
