guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
