Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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