Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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