I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
