Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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