We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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