Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
