i permit you to call me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
