It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
