honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
