they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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