She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
