I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
