I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
