i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, beer. Big fan.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
not ubering you a puppy
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
