oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
