I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
