I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
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