i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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