I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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