I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
