i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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