When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
