I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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