You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
