Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
they're like a gay fantastic four
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
