I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
