Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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