I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
