They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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