did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
soo... how was my night?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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