So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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