don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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