The maid of honor just puked.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
