Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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