I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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