I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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